Missing My Expression

Attitude is Everything... BE HAPPY


I miss my expression through music. I have been a classically trained violinist since I was nine years old. Music has always been an incredibly important part of my life. It is a magic "cure all" for any problem or emotion I have ever had.

For my whole life I have gone to my instrument to create and learn. I have not been able to touch a violin for over a year. My beautiful instrument was broken and I have not yet been able to repair it. I would play my violin for hour after hour everyday as a child and into my adulthood. I love it so much that when I was a child my parents would take away my violin as punishment instead of grounding me. I would open the window in my violin room and play and play. I loved to just improvise and be creative. I never liked to read music. I loved to close my eyes and play. I never had to look at the strings. My fingers just knew where to perfectly land.

I know you must be thinking " why is she talking about this" Trust me it ties in.

Year after year of twisting my wrist put a lot of stress and wear on the joints in the fingers, left wrist and hand. My left hand always feels very painful and swollen. Pain shoots up my fingers and into my wrist constantly. It is very discouraging because I know that there is damage in the left hand and I need surgery.

My biggest fear of surgery is not the actually surgery itself but the real fear is waking up on pain medication and needing to use pain medication after. It worries me so much that I keep putting off the doctor knowing they will tell me I need the surgery.

So i keep living with the pain and ignoring the problem. But I want so badly to be able to have the energy in my hands to play violin again. It is such an important part of my life.

I can take any aggression, anger, sadness, anxiety, excitement, happiness etc. out on my violin.
I kind of feel stumped on what to do.
Do I get a surgery that could potentially give me back strength and mobility and potentially put myself in the path of prescription pain medication, or do I not play again and keep trying to ignore the increasing pain and degeneration of my hand.

I have a lot of confidence in my ability to not use medication right now, but I don't know if I am willing to play a big gamble on my success.
Getting off of the medications that actually helps manage the pain of EDS is so hard. The pain NEVER goes away. It is always there. Constant as a reminder of the condition. It would be so amazing to not feel pain on a continuous basis. I actually can't imagine what it would be like for it to completely be gone. I do not ever remember not feeling some level of pain.

If I could explain the pain EDS causes I would but it is sort of indescribable. The middle of my back is always on FIRE. My fingers bend in many unnatural directions, my jaw always feels tight like I am clinching my teeth when I really am not.

But I want and need my creative outlet back and I am afraid that if I don't have a surgery to repair the damage that one day it will be to late. I am also worried that with one surgery comes another. A shoulder again, a hip a knee, my back. So I just am stumped on what to do.

Change

Attitude is Everything... BE HAPPY

So many people lately have said " Alyssa you have changed" I find it interesting who is saying what and why...
Yes I have changed. I am confident in myself. I stand up for my self. I will not be put down.
Is that wrong that I have embraced who I am inside and find confidence in a positive change? ABSOLUTELY NOT!
I have had many struggles in my life. Many challenges and decisions that have really effected my life. But if I didn't have them I would never grow and develop the person I am now because of those times.
I have really taken a huge step back and looked at my life and the choices I have made. They have not all been good. In fact a hand full have been not so great. But at least I recognize them and see where I can grow and improve.

There will always be people in my life that with judge my past.They will judge my present and future before anything happens, and they still feel it is OK to make a judgment call on me. But they have never lived my life. I am the one that has been there.

I see peoples struggles and difficulties so differently now. I want to help. I want them to have hope and find peace in themselves.

Nobody is perfect. Nobody will be or can ever expect perfection out of themselves or other. We are human we make mistakes. If we keep making mistakes and never learn from them, then that is a problem. But if we recognize and don't beat our selves up because of unrealistic expectations that we put on ourselves and we feel from others, we will be a lot better off.

So I am finding strength and confidence in difficult times. I know what pushes my buttons now. So I have changed how I react. I am a lot calmer and accepting of advice and what others have to say.

I feel good